addicted

Countless night in a row, the clock is approaching 4 am. I toss and turn, trying to shake to sleep my restless head. I cannot sleep. Still, my body will not let go…something is holding onto the clockwork of my brain, keeping it whirling full force…sinking its teeth in so deep that I cannot shake it, even for the few hours in the middle of the night. I cannot escape it, I cannot untwist it, I cannot hide under the mattress, in the living room, behind the TV stand…. everything is blinking 4 am…the light outside is warmly saying hello to so many sounds sleepers, and it is yelling at me…”you are sick!” you are going to miss another day, the sun is going to rise and you are going to be too weak to enjoy it. I feel beat down, I feel tragic, I feel suffocated…I need something beautiful and positive to come…I need the flowers to pick themselves and the sun to welcome me rested eyes…I need sleep.


My my my…things are going to be okay, but in the mean time…things are fallin apart inside and out of me….they are falling into me, out of me, around me…and I feel so taken by the effort it required to breath that it is all I can do to retain some remnants of myself. And no one understands how deeply jarring this pain, this change, this frailty is for me…(yes I know that everyone has had this) but no one understands that I am still in the throws…I am still in the middle…I still can’t breath and I am still lonely, and I still fight back tears and I still forget when I put my keys because my mind is working overtime just to remain sane…this is not understood…why should I make it so?


I need space I guess. Now is the time to speak up if any cuz we are not together any longer, I owe him no more loyalty, I cannot live my life to his schedule or for his approval. I have to let go of his approval…I have to make that mean nothing…I have to find my own approval. I have to remember what I like , what make s me proud, what I think Is beautiful…I need some space to settle to make it easy..my voice is hurting- it is time to take a step back- I need a little less stress in my life..i need a little more room, I need I need I need…and that is why I cannot sleep…because I need my fix- a warm body to curl up against, a heart beat to sync with, a bed to clock into, I need my fix, I can’t just have it right in front of me….I am too weak. I am still so addicted…I am still falling into place…I need, I need, I need to find me…I need to need less, I need to let go, I need to breath,,,, I need to sleep-

new matress

LYIN' ON MY ELBOWS, GETTIN TIRED OF HOLDING MYSELF UP...BUT TRYIN TO START SOMETHING NEW. mAYBE THIS BLOG WILL HELP ME GET BACK TO MY WRITING, MAYBE IT WILL HELP ME LISTEN TO MY VOICE, MAYBE IT WILL REMIND ME THAT I HAVE ONE ...

FUNNY THE THINGS WE DO TO DISTRACT OURSELVES FROM LISTENING

fUNNY THE THINGS WE DO TO OURSELVES FroM THINKING

funny the things we do to distract ourselves from caring

Thank you for your eternal beauty


My throat still hurts...i am looking for answers